Take Your Time.

Here we go, listen up… Fellas if you are newly single whether it be fresh from a divorce, coming off a heartbreak or simply one week out of a three-month whirlwind relationship, don’t just JUMP back into the single life. This is the pros. You need to spend some time in the minors. You need to take a beat, check the landscape and ease into it. It’s like getting out of jail after a year. You’ll be on a date, the waiter will bring the bread and you’ll be ripping into the sourdough as if the guy next to you were going to steal it and make you wash his sink.

I can’t tell you how many friends I have coming into the single game and moving so fast they end up pulling single guy hamstring. I don’t want to see you pulling a club muscle in there. It’s dangerous. You’ve got people walking at all different paces, you’ve got a DJ playing music at a decibel level you haven’t heard since your burnout neighbor played Zeplin in the driveway and your dad yelled at him to turn it down, you have stunning waitresses making you stare at them way off to the right when your neck hurts on the left. Just take it easy. I know you’re excited to get back in the game but it takes a second. Plus you have no idea what to talk about. Your subject matter is a disaster. In the cub you’re dealing with girls in their 20′s and early 30′s so you need to adjust your rap. When you tell her you’re a day trader or that you’ve been shorting the market over the last 10 years, she’s going to look at you like you’re speaking Chinese and think that what you mean by “Day Trader” is some advanced version of baseball card trading. She hasn’t heard the term “trading” since her little brother traded Mutant Ninja cards with the neighbor kids.

And another subject I know you think is great are your kids. Take a beat on that and no kid talk at the club. You might even get thrown out for bringing that up. Sure eventually she’ll want to hear about your kids, but for now just keep the talk to “Your favorite bands”, “You don’t think Paris Hilton is talented either” and ” The Hangover 1 was way better then the sequel.” In due time you’ll get to talk about all subjects that interest you but in the bar, in the club and at the party, just hold off on the deep issues. I’m not saying there aren’t girls out there that could hang with your subject matter, I’m just saying there’s a time and a place.

So my fellow brethren, just getting back in the game, come back slowly. This means simple dates, quiet nights, movies and other things 90 percent of society does when they’re single. But if you’re going to step into my arena, into Single Mike Single-Ville, you need to take a few Alleve before you even get to the velvet rope.

-Single Mike