Find New Heroes

All this talk about Joe Paterno and the sadness of watching a coach so recognized and relished be fired or let go… Here’s the deal kids…”Fuck Joe Paterno” he means nothing. His associate was knowingly raping boys. Simple as that. Sorry to be so harsh on a blog but it’s one of those things that we as half smart Americans need to deal with. Athletes, entertainers, politicians, and let’s put reality stars at the top of the list, are flawed human beings like the rest of us and we need to quit putting them on a pedestal.

Trust me, I live in Hollywood. I’ve hung out with actors and celebrities many times. and for the record, some of them I wouldn’t even introduce to my friends in Detroit because they’re so lame, awkward and weird. Paterno was a great coach, a staple in the community an amazing leader of men, drawing them into battle week to week to go to war on the field, but at the end of the day as brave as he was on the field is as weak as he was to let this story go and let this predator roll along in his everyday life as if it never happened. Fuck Joe Paterno and the rest of the guys that let this shit slide. Sandusky was seen in the shower raping an eleven year old. Let me give you a hint here, God forbid that eleven year old was someone I was related to. There would be no Sandusky. In Detroit we handle that shit differently. I of course would be blogging from jail but eh, I’d be all right.

If there’s one thing we need to fix around here is the hero worship that goes on in America with celebs and athletes etc…I’ve met Michael Jordan, he was an amazing player, one of the greatest to ever grace the court, an athlete who transcended the game who’s discipline was second to none…he also tried to fuck my girlfriend. We are human we are flawed, embrace it and stop thinking these people are better than you. They are not and in most cases you’d be shocked at how socially awkward half of them are from being sheltered and pampered their entire lives. I know Sandusky is a sick man so that’s not the issue, the issue is covering up for people we put on pedestals. Maybe I was a little harsh in saying “Fuck Paterno” but you get the picture. He ain’t shit, we ain’t shit, no one is better than you regardless of the number of touchdowns they score, three pointers they hit, goals they score or home runs they send yard. Although Wilt Chamberlains numbers are pretty damn impressive.

Single Mike – out.

Take Your Time.

Here we go, listen up… Fellas if you are newly single whether it be fresh from a divorce, coming off a heartbreak or simply one week out of a three-month whirlwind relationship, don’t just JUMP back into the single life. This is the pros. You need to spend some time in the minors. You need to take a beat, check the landscape and ease into it. It’s like getting out of jail after a year. You’ll be on a date, the waiter will bring the bread and you’ll be ripping into the sourdough as if the guy next to you were going to steal it and make you wash his sink.

I can’t tell you how many friends I have coming into the single game and moving so fast they end up pulling single guy hamstring. I don’t want to see you pulling a club muscle in there. It’s dangerous. You’ve got people walking at all different paces, you’ve got a DJ playing music at a decibel level you haven’t heard since your burnout neighbor played Zeplin in the driveway and your dad yelled at him to turn it down, you have stunning waitresses making you stare at them way off to the right when your neck hurts on the left. Just take it easy. I know you’re excited to get back in the game but it takes a second. Plus you have no idea what to talk about. Your subject matter is a disaster. In the cub you’re dealing with girls in their 20′s and early 30′s so you need to adjust your rap. When you tell her you’re a day trader or that you’ve been shorting the market over the last 10 years, she’s going to look at you like you’re speaking Chinese and think that what you mean by “Day Trader” is some advanced version of baseball card trading. She hasn’t heard the term “trading” since her little brother traded Mutant Ninja cards with the neighbor kids.

And another subject I know you think is great are your kids. Take a beat on that and no kid talk at the club. You might even get thrown out for bringing that up. Sure eventually she’ll want to hear about your kids, but for now just keep the talk to “Your favorite bands”, “You don’t think Paris Hilton is talented either” and ” The Hangover 1 was way better then the sequel.” In due time you’ll get to talk about all subjects that interest you but in the bar, in the club and at the party, just hold off on the deep issues. I’m not saying there aren’t girls out there that could hang with your subject matter, I’m just saying there’s a time and a place.

So my fellow brethren, just getting back in the game, come back slowly. This means simple dates, quiet nights, movies and other things 90 percent of society does when they’re single. But if you’re going to step into my arena, into Single Mike Single-Ville, you need to take a few Alleve before you even get to the velvet rope.

-Single Mike

The New Men: Women

A friend of mine thought she might be pregnant and was freaking out. She’s like “Is it normal to order a large pizza, eat the entire thing and on your way out eat a calzone?”

No. “Is it normal to throw a tantrum at a relative then prank call a girl from 7th grade?” No. “Do you think it’s weird that I cried over a Chevy commercial, then masturbated to Frankenstein?” Yes. “Is it weird that I told my mom I hate her side of the family?” Yes. Listen hoes, quit hittin it and quittin it and praying for the right outcome. She thought two times unprotected was cool and now look. The poor girl can’t sleep, she’s gone to the doctor three times and she’s stressing herself skinny. It’s not worth it. Get on the pill, take a stick in the arm, take a morning after pill or do something. It’s not worth the stress.

Take it from a hoe. I’ve been there. I’ve had the unprotected sex, had a weird feeling, an itch that didn’t make sense, a dandruff flake I thought was a disease….it’s just too much.

Girls if you’re sleeping with us look dead in our eyes and ask if we’re clean. You can tell by our jaw moving if we’re telling the truth or not. I always tell the truth. Thank God the girls I’ve slept with get tested then report back to me on my health. I’m too scared to go. I just wait it out. I was sending girls to the doctor left and right in 06. I’ve since calmed down but there is no greater scare then the thought that it’s over and you’ve got some shit. Sure herpes is curable now with a pill and a prayer but still. So if you’re going to be reckless at least lower the odds with proper grilling technique and FBI style questioning. I’d hate to see you throw it all away cuz you got duped by some meathead who lied to you.

Why am I blogging to women about safe sex? Oh my friend was freaking out, that’s right. I forgot. Plus it just goes back to the old adage, women are hoes, men are studs when it comes to multiple partners. Although I will say after seeing Bridesmaids, one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen, women may be the new men.

Peace – Single Mike

Here We Go.

 Here we go. I hung with my old homeys from the neighborhood last night. Watched the Miami/Chicago game at a local bar and it reminded why I will never forget how great it is being around the people that know me best. We talked shit, argued over who was better Magic or Jordan in their heyday, who invented the crossover, Isiah Thomas or Pistol Pete, how Carmello will never be a champ because he doesn’t play a team game, if Gretzky was better in Hockey then Magix was in hoops etc… I swear I was more passionate about Lebron’s weak ass Decision and the hope that Dirk and The Mavs whoop his ass then I was about getting my movie edited on time.

I love that. Never forget where you’re from. The biggest reason for that is because one day no matter where you are the real you is going to pop out. You might not even be aware. You’re chillin in some Hollywood after party thinking you’re looking cool and a country song comes on and you rush and turn the volume up. Yeah you’re a redneck and the rest of the party is looking at you like you’re weird. You try to cover it up and say you thought it was a Gaga remix, but no, you knew exactly who it was. And the beauty of that is…who cares??? Simple and plain, you are who you are, embrace it, love it and live with it. Sure if you grew up on a farm and your cousin banged a sheep in boots you don’t have to share that story with the people at the party, but the fact is you’re country and it’s okay to have grown up there. Trust me, you show someone in your new city how to make your own moonshine you’ll be the hit. Everyone is always trying to run and hide from who they are.

 I love that I’m from Detroit, I love that I grew up with black, white, and arab kids and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I know what I am. I know the reason I once in awhile have violent thoughts and get real quiet when trouble is around. It’s because I’m part gangster…I can’t help it. I thought my Grandpa was the most honest man in the world but how could he be when he owned The Purple Pussycat, told Paul Anka to get lost in the 60′s for being late to his show and periodically dropped off envelopes to Italian men in houses off the lake where we boated every summer.

 Be you. Don’t hide. You’ll find you every time.

Peace – Single Mike

We Are All 6 Percent Gay.

Tonight I performed in Detroit for the ADL, the Anti-Defamation League. I was nervous; I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was scared the crowd wouldn’t get me and by the end, it all hit me. It’s not about me. It’s about making sure people on this planet have a chance to be whatever they want to be and that is that. I don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, gay, Jewish, Christian, Muslim or whatever.

At the end of the day, as long as you are not out to harm anyone for the wrong reasons, (and I have to say for the wrong reasons because I remain one sixteenth gangster due to my ancestry) but, as long as you are out to do the right thing and you want to believe what it is you believe, let no one get in your way and let no bully stomp your dreams, thoughts or forward motion.

Brad Keywell, the Co-Founder of Groupon, spoke tonight and when asked what he did for a living, he said he was an entrepreneur and that was his job. His job was to take risks to envision things that were not there yet, but that he saw in his head and wanted to create. He has risked, he has failed, he has succeeded, he has fallen again, he has had it rough and he’s had it easy.

This is what I took from tonight. Dream big, take risks, love what you do and that doesn’t mean love your job all time, but find something to love and roll with it. Tonight had more of an impact on me then I thought it would and I know being Jewish has something to do with it, because the first neighborhood I grew up in was not fond of Jews and they let it be known by blowing off M-80s on my front lawn then beating my ass weekly.

Stand up, do what you want, be who you are. Be you. Do you. Maybe it’s the Oprah finale that got me, I don’t know, but this is the least funny blog I’ve ever done. Tonight I was funny, but I don’t feel funny. Do your thing.

Oh and they gave me an amazing hotel room. Peace.